Maybe Dukan, Not Sure If I Can

After a friend lost loads of weight on the Dukan Diet, my wife asked for the recipe book for Christmas. She hasn’t read it yet, but I have. Dr Dukan is French and his diet is based on eating only protein for a few days, followed by a period of protein and vegetables. Apparently this is how French women eat, which explains why they’re all so slim. So it’s similar to the Atkins Diet but with low fat proteins. I’ve tried Atkins but I didn’t lose any weight and it gave me gout. I’ve lost a couple of pounds in 10 days with Dr Dukan but apparently I should have lost about seven. Perhaps the fact that I’ve customised it a little by adding chocolate and cashew nuts has reduced its effect.

I’ve never been described as fat, at least not to my face, mainly because I’m usually trying some sort of diet fad.  The Carol Vorderman diet book involved a vegetarian detox – lots of salads, oats and pulses. I put on weight. The worst diet was the one recommended to me by an Indian ayurvedic doctor. For three days I had to drink cups of ghee (a sort of butter) diluted in hot water. I had to time it such that on the third day I could remain near a toilet because everything would come sliding out, well oiled. I didn’t lose any weight and drinking the ghee made me gag.

The only diet that has worked for me is the Sacred Heart Memorial Hospital Diet; I was told they used it for heart patients who needed to lose weight quickly before surgery, but apparently that’s an urban myth and hospitals deny using it. This diet involves making copious quantities of vegetable soup and drinking as much of it as you can – the more soup you can force down, the more weight you lose. On Day 1 you can also eat some fruit (except bananas), on Day 2 some vegetables and on day 4 you can go really wild and have a banana.  Apparently in the first week you can lose 10 -17 lbs but I’ve never been able to keep it going for more than about three consecutive days without feeling too weak and wobbly to continue (it’s probably not the safest of diets). But over the course of a couple of years I drank the soup often and lost about 20 lbs to the point that people said I looked too thin and I had precious few muscles left. I reached the point where I couldn’t face another mouthful of that insipid soup so over the following seven years I’ve put all the blubber back on, and more (sadly, the muscles are another story). Being a sedentary writer doesn’t help. Wanting to lose it again is partly the desire to stay fit for sport, partly because my cholesterol is too high, partly because I don’t want to buy new clothes but mainly because I’m vain – man boobs are not a good look.

I’ve also tried various diet supplements sold on the internet, but they don’t seem to work either and most contain things I don’t want to consume, like caffeine. I’m not sure I can stick with the Dukan Diet but I’ll keep trying. Who knows, I may end up looking like a French woman (I already have the breasts).

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