Writer Jokes

The Queen was touring a Scottish hospital. She approached the bed of a patient who shouted out “Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o’ the pudding-race!”. Another patient staggered up to her and sang “Should auld acquaintance be forgot.” Turning to a doctor she asked if she was in a ward for mental patients. “No ma’am,” was the reply “This is the Burns Unit”.

Groan. But my excuse is that tonight is Burns night. For those indulging in haggis and whiskey this evening, cheers!

Here are a few other writer jokes, for which I have no excuses:

Shakespeare wasn’t allowed into his local pub. He was Bard.


How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two – one to do most of the turning and the other to give it a final twist at the end.


A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-charred wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the cooker was on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Moggie is…”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”


Have you heard about the two literary agents who saw one of their writers on the other side of the street? One of them said “There’s the bastard who gets 75% of our earnings”.


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



One Response to “Writer Jokes”

  1. Thanks, Tim, for honouring our special night up here in Scotland. The version that I read a few days ago went on much longer with more quotations and so the punchline was the SERIOUS Burns Unit.

    I’ve always loved the “Yeah, right” one and I chuckled at the twist one and the agents one. Perspective is all.

    Thanks for the witty break from my writing. Is that another goal of your blog?!

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